Imagine you get in a verbal altercation with a friend and they are attacking your character, on top of nit-picking your every flaw, and not hearing you out whatsoever. Some would argue that an easy way to “resolve” this issue is by cutting off this person entirely. One’s friend would never treat them as such, but unfortunately, one thing that over-rules self-respect for many is the perception of others. The majority of people who think like this are considered people pleasers.
According to MedicalNewsToday.com, people pleasing is “one’s strong urge to please others, even at their own expense. They may feel that their wants and needs do not matter or alter their personality around others.”
Validation is one thing, but throwing away your sense of pride in order to please others is another issue that afflicts those that people please. Whether that be the fear of rejection, fear of conflict, or insecurity, these are ordinary problems that everyone goes through, which can manifest into a people pleasing mindset.
People pleasing is more common in all age groups. Everyone at some point seeks validation and attention. It becomes toxic when your particular wants and needs are no longer being met because the desires of others are more important.
Chayenne Rojas, a junior at County Prep high school, shares how her upbringing has led to her becoming a bit of a people pleaser.
“ I’d say I have some people- pleasing tendencies mainly due to a fear of rejection and my low self esteem,” said Rojas. “Even childhood learned experiences such as trauma responses or survival mechanisms from when I was little have led me to develop this mindset.”
When people hear the term people pleaser, oftentimes they argue that being one is a “gift,” and that it is special to care so much about others.
What they do not see or feel is the disrespect that these people go through to satisfy others. Others can and will take advantage of your “kindness” if you don’t know how to set boundaries. You will also not be able to form healthy relationships since you’re letting people walk all over you.
“Excessively being a people pleaser can make people think you are trying too hard and label you as a pick me,” said Rojas. “If I were to give them advice, it would be for them to learn how to say “no” and set boundaries based on their personal and individual values.”
For those that do the most with little in return, ultimately you were brought into the world alone and will leave it alone. The people you are trying to satisfy will not be going with you, so it does not matter if a few people dislike you.
With the time spent trying to please others, work on your self-respect and self-esteem because at the end of the day, the only opinion that matters is yours.
